Something that parents feel most sad about their child
Home is like a window light in the winter night. Parents’ love for their children is more warm.
However, love is an art that needs to be learned and cultivated. It is not known that some casual omissions may make the home a sad place for children.
The first question was contradictory, and the child escaped from the “Don’t Become the Great Bearer Tart” in Dream of the Red Mansion. In order to educate Baoyu, Jia Zheng adopted the “tartlet”, and Mrs. Wang came forward to block it and threatened: “To strangle him, take a rope to strangle me, and strangle him again.
“Although this plot is an ancient literary creation, it is not common in today’s life.
When educating children, parents often sing white faces and sing black faces.
Yang Fude, deputy director of Beijing Huilongguan Hospital, was very serious about the hidden dangers of this type of parenting in an interview with Life Times.
”This morning, I just received a little girl and lived in such a family transformation.
Yang Fude told reporters that this girl is in junior high school, her mother has strict requirements for her studies, and her father is used to playing the role of “savior” and always speaks for her.
But recently, the child said that he did not want to go to school.
”Parents’ differences in their children’s attitudes make it easy for them to become dependent on others when they are in trouble, and they like to evade and even develop evasive personality.
“Yang Fude said.
From an early age, people have the instinct to protect themselves, and they know how to “benefit from harm”.
When a child makes a mistake and one of the parents punishes them, the child instinctively seeks asylum.
At this point, if the other party comes out and lover “sings to a Taiwanese opera”, it is exactly in the arms of the child.
Over time, the child will develop inertia thinking-there will always be people to help me, even I did wrong.
“It is conceivable that when such a child is an adult, it is easy to see the difficulties to go around or rely on others. If he does something wrong, he will justify himself and have no sense of responsibility.
“Yang Fude said.
In addition, Li Xinying, associate professor of the Institute of Psychology of the Chinese Academy of Sciences also pointed out that the split of parents may also affect the normal development of children’s self-control ability.
Self-control ability began to sprout from early childhood. When some children have leftovers, if their parents tell him repeatedly that “the leftovers are not right”, the children will clearly notice that they are wrong, and they will try to eat them later.
This process of constantly adjusting misconduct and promoting correct behavior develops self-control.
Conversely, parents often disagree, and this ability naturally cannot develop.
Although bridging the gap in parenting styles is not easy, a little change can make parents get unexpected results.
First, it is reasonable to break through the barriers of “self-righteousness” psychologically, without prejudice to let the wife or husband discipline the child. It is reasonable to believe that the other person is just like himself.
Second, if there is no consensus for a short time, then don’t openly confront the child.
When the other party teaches the child, you can go out and turn around, and when the couple is alone, it is not too late to transform with the lover.
Third, if it is impossible to reach an agreement, they can learn the knowledge of educating their children together, adjust the two’s cognition by “authority”, and change the wrong behavior of the boots.
Question two blames each other, the child inferiority “How do you become a mother?
The child is always following a bunch of babies, can’t you see?
Zhao Ming’s (a pseudonym) father shouted loudly.
“Just know me, don’t you be responsible for being a dad?
You don’t care about anything, now I blame me!
“Mother retorted indifferently.
Zhao Ming stared at the TV show.
For him, such a scenario has long been strange.
Seeing Zhao Ming’s appearance, her mother angered and shouted at him, “Things that don’t fight!”
It’s because of you!
“Zhao Ming turned off the TV, and threw a loud voice of” you are irresponsible “,” It’s your fault “. Yang Fude said that children born in such a family have the lowest self-esteem.The general psychological characteristics, the worst case is to let them go on a wrong way.
In life, there is nothing wrong, let alone young children. In the process of developing from a natural person to a social person, they need to make mistakes to grow up.However, some parents, like Zhao Ming’s parents, started to blame each other after their children made mistakes, and put their responsibilities on each other. “Some parents will inevitably blast with their children.
”
Yang Fude pointed out that children’s psychology is relatively fragile and sensitive. When they see their parents quarrel because of themselves, they are prone to the idea of “this is all because of me.”, Feel that they are useless, and feel shame and helplessness.
Over time, children will become depressed and inferior.
“Anyway, I’m going to give people trouble, so just make it a reality.
Yang Fude said that inferiority gave birth to the feeling of self-violence and self-abandonment, thus “breaking the pot and breaking down”, making some children really bad boys.
This type of parenting is arguably the most irresponsible. Yang Fude suggested that parents should thoroughly reflect on it.
“It may be more effective to look at the problem from another angle.
”
Yang Fude said, parents should not rush to find the cause from the other side, they should focus on the child, just think about the child’s recent actions and analyze why they did so.
Then, talk to the children and ask their true thoughts side by side. For example, Zhao Ming ‘s parents can start with “I ‘ve been with some friends recently”, “Is it true that they can talk better than their previous friends?”Wait, to judge whether the child really made bad friends as he thought.
In the end, you need to reflect on yourself and exchange ideas with your lover, but never blame the other person or yourself too much.
Question 3: Parents are doting, the child is indulging in ancient times. Someone has acted arrogantly since childhood. His parents never imposed restraint. As a result, he was sentenced to capital punishment for murder.
Before he died, he offered to suck his mother’s nipples again.
Surprisingly, after the mother opened the placket, he actually bit his mother’s nipples fiercely and cried loudly: “If you had disciplined me earlier, why would you die today!
“This story seems extreme, but it makes people see through the scourge of doting.
In an interview, Yang Fude said that blindly indulging the children’s lack of assertiveness, poor communication with others, inability to cope with the crisis, and the child’s indulgence.
Maybe some parents spoil their children and do everything instead.
“It’s quite a lot to go to school to help children with hygiene.
Yang Fude said that although these things are not big, it is easy for children to feel that everything can be asked about their parents, and even pushed to their parents, so that they develop the habit of not thinking about everything and having their own opinions.
Once these children enter the society, they will take it for granted that the people around them take care of themselves, which will cause obstacles in interpersonal communication.
What’s more serious is that because they are used to being cared for, they will be extremely vulnerable when they encounter difficulties.
In addition, children have limited self-control capabilities and can do whatever they want. They often only care about satisfying their own desires and do not know how to follow the rules.
For example, parents’ non-compliance with their children’s exclusive toys in kindergartens will allow children to realize that they can do whatever they want, and they will likely become overbearing and unbridled in the future.
If you want to change your doting parents, Yang Fude said that what reminds parents is “don’t use affection.”
Parents should try to be “ruthless”, reject the excessive demands of multiple children, and lead to responsible punishment for misconduct, so that both children and parents form the habit of “clear rewards and punishments.”
Question 4 is tightened and loosened. The child ‘s extreme parents are in a good mood, and they are very addicted to the child. Once they are in a bad mood, they will feel uncomfortable when they see the child.
In the view of Zheng Yi, deputy director of Beijing Anding Hospital affiliated to Capital Medical University, a tight and loose family rearing style is really bad.
”Many people think that strict upbringing is not good. In fact, the way parents are tight and loose is even more disadvantageous.
Zheng Yi analyzed that in the critical period of a child’s growth, strict parental control of the child will have a positive effect. It can help them learn to abide by the established rules and grow into a qualified social person.It is the child’s personality defect.
This, Liang Yuezhu, director of the Department of Child Psychology at Beijing Anding Hospital, explained that parents are the child’s first teacher, and their actions are the object of the child’s emulation.
The fluctuation of parents’ emotions directly affects the children, which causes the children to not control their emotions well. After the adult, the emotions will also fluctuate and become cold and hot.
The lighter affects the child’s interpersonal relationship, and the more important one may evolve into a marginal personality, that is, the object is treated as one or the other, or black or white, and it is easy to go to extremes.
Liang Yuezhu pointed out that the key to the problem is the parents, “I suggest that such parents first learn to control their emotions.
“Parents are stimulated outside. They can find a suitable way to remedy before returning home, such as talk to someone, exercise, divert attention, etc. It is more effective to find a psychological counselor to learn about emotional control.
Take a step back and say that if parents are in a bad mood and their children are making trouble, then when it comes to education, do something wrong and do n’t hurt the child ‘s self-esteem, otherwise teach them to take responsibility for mistakes.